Why do I even keep trying

Yes it is 6:24am on a Saturday and I am blogging, why because I can't sleep on the couch any longer. Chris and I had a fight last night and this morning I am still not over it.

You see on the Saturday before New Years we decided we needed to do more home improvements to the section 8 condo, so why not get started in our small guest bath? It is not that big, it won't cost that much and we can fulfill our sense of accomplishment. So after hearing the Buzz of a wet saw all day I decided to go talk to the Tile Layers 2 units down doing work...our bath is only 35 square feet it can't be that much.. So after showing him the space, getting a price and agreeing to it and the date we were all set for DEMOLITION 2007! Over the next 2 hours or so we tore all the Doors, Floors, and anything else attached or otherwise out!!! We scraped, prepped, and made it all goo d, on NEW YEARS DAY our tile layer came in and put down GREAT looking floors! we were SO happy. Now we need to put the toilet back down and get a new sink. This is where the problem starts...


The weekend before Christmas, Chris was supposed to go visit his parents in Tampa he left out of Jacksonville early Friday ( the 21st ) and was coming back Sunday evening ( the 23rd ) then on Christmas Eve my parents were going to have dinner with us at our house...( This was planned weeks in advance ) I had Spitfire Rehearsal on Friday night and Saturday morning so by the time I got back to Jacksonville I would only be spending 1 night alone. I called and talked to him on Saturday and everything was fine accept his sister really wanted him to stay through Christmas and be at his parents house with her Christmas morning. I asked him what is was going to do he said " I don't know ". I finished all my Holiday shopping in Orlando on Saturday and drove back to Jacksonville. Wrapped all my gifts and was now READY for the rest of the weekend.

Sunday morning comes and no call from Chris, Sunday afternoon comes, again no call from Chris, Sunday evening comes and I can't take it any more I start calling his Cell Phone Every 30 minutes or so trying to find out what the hell is going on.... Finally around o' lets say 7pm he calls me all moody and Grumpy. Apparently his parents and he had went to the Casino last night and by the time the got home it was 5am. Then the Bird his folks own decided to wake everyone up at 8am so he was running on 3 hours sleep all day. So with that he was too tired to drive back today... I was like OK fine, will you be home tomorrow for dinner with my folks at 5pm ( again this was planned weeks ago ) his response " I don't know ". ( do we see a pattern of avoiding things here )


Well it is now Christmas Eve I have to get the house in order and cook dinner for my mom and dads arrival at our home at 5pm. I start working on things hoping Chris will call and say yeah I am on my way home see you in a few hours... but that never happens and at 4:30 my parents show up ( 30 minutes early ) to my house, with me still un showered and doing a last minute pick up. Chris calls about 2 hours before the dinner to let me know he is staying for Christmas and he IS sorry he won't be there tonight for dinner with my family but he plans to be home tomorrow morning early( he says he will be on the road by 8am )....


Christmas Morning arrives and in the 5 years we have been together I have now had him one ( Christmas 2006 because he wanted to spend his first Christmas in his new home ) I wake up alone and start my day. I am not sure what time Chris will really be back so I plan on going to Robby's alone since at this point the only answer I have gotten about any of our Christmas plans we had was " I don't know ". He made plans for Christmas dinner at their home weeks ago as well ( 2pm Christmas Day be there ).... I finally get a call around 10am from Chris and he has left, but is still a ways away from home. Based on where he is and how he is moving he should be home sometime around 1pm. at 1:20 he pulls in. We empty his truck, and go to dinner.

The day after Christmas, Chris gets a call at work. His Cousin has passed aways suddenly and the family is all torn up. This upsets him and for the next 2 days or so he deals with her passing. I do my best to console him but not knowing her or anything about her it is really hard to share so I just try to be supportive. On Saturday he finds out the Funeral is on Monday ( NEW YEARS EVE ) I encourage him to go but he is worried he will lose a day of pay and may not get the Holiday pay for the next day. I remind him that this is all at the managers discretion and since both his managers love him and it is an extenuating circumstance, it should not be an issue. I tell him I want to go with him ( not to the funeral just to Tampa ) for shopping.

Now I know this is my total Dr. Phil moment but my WHOLE reason for wanting to go with him was not because I wanted to shop, ( for god sakes I bought nothing but a pack of gum and lunch ) it was because I feared if he went alone I would wake up on New Years Day alone too. Maybe this is crazy thinking but based on the events of the last week this is all my mind could wrap around. So I dropped him off at his parents house early Monday morning and went off to piddle my day away. around 4pm I was sitting in the walmart parking lot waiting for him to come home since most things closed at 6pm on New Years Eve. So just after 5 he calls me to tell me he is headed back to his parents house and I can meet him there.


As I turn the corner to his parents house I see 2 cars in the culd a sac that are digging out gift and seem to be waiting on someone. Know that Chris's family does not approve of me and not wanting to start anything or put ANYONE in a uncomfortable situation I drive thought the culd a sac like I am looking for a home a drive off. As I am turning off his street I see his moms white f-150 turn down the street. ( now in most situations I would have turned around and went back but seeing there were people there that might have been waiting for Chris and or his family, not knowing weather Chris was in his moms truck or with his father I just continued to drive ) a few minutes later Chris calls my cell to ask why I did not turn around I told him and he was like just come back. less then 2 minutes later I am turning right to head back down the street, as I approach the house I see Chris's mom pulling out of the drive way and she passes me as I pull up to the house. ( she gives me a half hearted wave as we pass to at least acknowledge me ) Chris is standing on the corner of his driveway with all his things in hand like a kid waiting for his buds parents to pick him up for soccer practice. ( I did not tell Chris this but that really did hurt my feelings, I mean I know it has been a rough day and you want to get back to your family but could you at least have waited 2 minutes to say hello and wish me a happy new year?)


So yesterday I told Chris I wanted to go somewhere this weekend, I joked about Atlanta but really wanted to go to Expo in Orlando and look at bathroom stuff and maybe even shoot over to IKEA. His response was " NO I want to spend this weekend at home, we have been on the road the last 2 weeks we don't need to waste the gas, and we can go another weekend." I have put up with him avoiding what I already knew was the answer to weather or not he would be home before Christmas, eating Christmas dinner with my folks alone, and waking up on Christmas Day alone. I totally feel if I had not at least cock blocked for New Years I would have spent that alone too. Now you are SO TIRED OF TRAVELING that we can't do the things I want to do.


I can totally understand his parents wanting him there for the holidays. Most people want to see there family on the holidays, but what about me? Am I not his family too. I feel like when it comes to family I ride in the back of the bus. When his family calls he comes running full speed and I am left behind. In the almost 5 years we have been together there has not been a single occasion when I have been included in ANYTHING. He tells me that is what his family does when they do not like the person, they are basically blackballed. So I guess I should not expect much more then an occasional wave ever.


I know he is tired of traveling and being on the road, but I just feel like if his parents called and said " we are at Bass Pro Shop, come meet us here " he would be in that truck as fast as he could and down there in a heartbeat. As for me, when I ask to go places there are always issues or excuses. So another week will go by with a partially completed bathroom cause I am the one asking for it not his parents.

Home for the holidays ( or not )

Only 3 days till Christmas and my Holiday has started off right. Chris's family FINALLY after 5 years admitted "your father does not like Eric and I tolerate him" Is that or is that not the perfect example of the season? We want you here but hate your spouse more, so I know we could grin and bear it and get to spend Christmas Day with you if we could just deal with him for a few hours but gosh darn it we hate Eric more then we love you. I tried to explain to Chris that this wedge was making things worse and eventually he would come to find out that his parents resent me more for taking there Child away from then on the Holidays more then they resent me for making him gay ( as if I did that all by myself..... and dang I got a toaster upgrade for converting him ) The point is this is the season you are supposed to put away your differences and turn over a new leaf. Try again to make things work and build those bridges of peace. In the 4 years Chris has lived in Jacksonville not once has Either of his parents or his sister ever visited. That is sad, 4 years and NO company. They have not seen his house, work, met any friends, his pets, he has never cooked for them, taken them to his favorite restaurant, or just sat in his living room and talked. The more I think about it the sadder I am for all of us. His parents for missing out on so much of there child's life because they choose to hate me more then love him. I feel bad for him because he has to always make the choice on holidays who to hurt since we apparently can't be all together. and for me I just feel bad for being what is keeping him away from his parents ( the wedge ).


We bought our engagement rings the weekend before thanksgiving, they have been sitting, neatly wrapped in a bag in the closet since then, I have not once looked at the bag or box. I wonder how things are going to be after they find this out. I really hate telling them cause at some point they will learn and I don't want to hear or feel the reaction. This should be a special time for the both of us.... a once and a lifetime thing, and all I can think about is how they will take the news. I worry Chris will be crushed by there lack of happiness. We have talked about doing in Toronto in the fall ( our favorite time of year and the place were we first took a vacation together ) the additional benefit is even though it would be nothing more then a piece of paper once we cross the border back to the states the entire time we are in Canada and every time we go back we will be equal in the eyes of the law we would be married.

I SO want my body back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So during my last visit to the doctor, they asked me how I was doing on Paxil. “I LOVE IT!” I said enthusiastically except one thing I CAN’T GET OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So as my female doctor looks at me in horror… she says she will have to do some research to find another pill with similar properties to Paxil but that won’t have the same side effect… (There are a lot of side effects I would happily deal with, Constipation, loss of appetite, night blindness, involuntary shakes, ect.ect.ect…) but this was a definite deal braker. So after a few days of research she called back and said they were going to move me over to Lexapro and to come pick up a 21 day trial. I am now almost 2 weeks into the meds and this is the worst I have felt in months. I would almost trade the panic attacks to not have to take this med. It is awful.. I am constantly angry and upset. I have no focus (as you can tell since I am doing this instead of actually doing my job!!) I am still mad at people and events that happened on Monday that I should totally let go, (lets just say in involves a parking space and a woman with really bad hair) I take the meds and I get MAD not just a little but CRAZY MAD like want to hit someone mad, like temper tantrum throwing crap mad, like I feel out of control…. I called her yesterday and told her this is NOT going to work… I solved 1 issue but created a bunch more!!!! I am now waiting to hear back to see what her next suggestion is… Tonight I have indoor again…. I hope it is better then last Friday night, that was awful…..

Thanksgiving Wrap up....

So today is the monday following Thanksgiving, a chance to look back on the past 4 days. Well lets see.... we ate Turkey on Thursday with our wonderful friend Robby and his family.... ( Thanks for including us )... we looked at all the sales and decided there was no way in hell we wanted anything that bad..... I went to Guard auditions for Phoenix on Friday...... I am sure the extended holiday was the reason on THREE kids showed up....SO after my long drive to Citrus I had the pleasure of turning around and going HOME..... Saturday we did not leave the house except to go grocery shopping... we filled up the short bus with goods and headed back home to play more Mario Galaxy and watch Football ..... Sunday more Mario and Football till 11pm when Chris beat the game.. Thank god it was only a rental and we did not buy it.....around 5pm we did go walk the Avenues mall... it was a ghost town..... The only people there were the employees and they did not want to help.... I swear we need a Nortstroms, Macys, and Neiman Marcus in this town..... at least there the people are paid to be nice...

Tagged by Mandi

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.

B. Each player lists 6 facts/habits about themselves.

C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.-------------------------------------------------------------------------


1. I have Panic attacks. I have been having them since April of this year. I had one so bad earlier in the month I brokedown at work and rushed myself to the DR. office. it was scarry.

2. I hate to drive. If given the option I will be a passanger. I drive an average of a 1000 miles a week right now doing guard and can't stand being on the road. I am always afraid I going to get hit

3. I once in high school ( I know I am so going to hell for this ) blew a classmate in the giant golf ball at Epcot.

4. I am obsessed with IKEA. We found out by accident that one is opening in Orlando when we went there on Saturday. I saw the building and almost wrecked our car.

5. I want to get a Prince Albert Piercing.

6. Chris and I ( after almost 2 years of looking and 4.5 years together ) bought rings yesterday at Tiffanys. We had them wrapped up and agreed that we would not exchange them until Christmas Day.