Why do I even keep trying

Yes it is 6:24am on a Saturday and I am blogging, why because I can't sleep on the couch any longer. Chris and I had a fight last night and this morning I am still not over it.

You see on the Saturday before New Years we decided we needed to do more home improvements to the section 8 condo, so why not get started in our small guest bath? It is not that big, it won't cost that much and we can fulfill our sense of accomplishment. So after hearing the Buzz of a wet saw all day I decided to go talk to the Tile Layers 2 units down doing work...our bath is only 35 square feet it can't be that much.. So after showing him the space, getting a price and agreeing to it and the date we were all set for DEMOLITION 2007! Over the next 2 hours or so we tore all the Doors, Floors, and anything else attached or otherwise out!!! We scraped, prepped, and made it all goo d, on NEW YEARS DAY our tile layer came in and put down GREAT looking floors! we were SO happy. Now we need to put the toilet back down and get a new sink. This is where the problem starts...


The weekend before Christmas, Chris was supposed to go visit his parents in Tampa he left out of Jacksonville early Friday ( the 21st ) and was coming back Sunday evening ( the 23rd ) then on Christmas Eve my parents were going to have dinner with us at our house...( This was planned weeks in advance ) I had Spitfire Rehearsal on Friday night and Saturday morning so by the time I got back to Jacksonville I would only be spending 1 night alone. I called and talked to him on Saturday and everything was fine accept his sister really wanted him to stay through Christmas and be at his parents house with her Christmas morning. I asked him what is was going to do he said " I don't know ". I finished all my Holiday shopping in Orlando on Saturday and drove back to Jacksonville. Wrapped all my gifts and was now READY for the rest of the weekend.

Sunday morning comes and no call from Chris, Sunday afternoon comes, again no call from Chris, Sunday evening comes and I can't take it any more I start calling his Cell Phone Every 30 minutes or so trying to find out what the hell is going on.... Finally around o' lets say 7pm he calls me all moody and Grumpy. Apparently his parents and he had went to the Casino last night and by the time the got home it was 5am. Then the Bird his folks own decided to wake everyone up at 8am so he was running on 3 hours sleep all day. So with that he was too tired to drive back today... I was like OK fine, will you be home tomorrow for dinner with my folks at 5pm ( again this was planned weeks ago ) his response " I don't know ". ( do we see a pattern of avoiding things here )


Well it is now Christmas Eve I have to get the house in order and cook dinner for my mom and dads arrival at our home at 5pm. I start working on things hoping Chris will call and say yeah I am on my way home see you in a few hours... but that never happens and at 4:30 my parents show up ( 30 minutes early ) to my house, with me still un showered and doing a last minute pick up. Chris calls about 2 hours before the dinner to let me know he is staying for Christmas and he IS sorry he won't be there tonight for dinner with my family but he plans to be home tomorrow morning early( he says he will be on the road by 8am )....


Christmas Morning arrives and in the 5 years we have been together I have now had him one ( Christmas 2006 because he wanted to spend his first Christmas in his new home ) I wake up alone and start my day. I am not sure what time Chris will really be back so I plan on going to Robby's alone since at this point the only answer I have gotten about any of our Christmas plans we had was " I don't know ". He made plans for Christmas dinner at their home weeks ago as well ( 2pm Christmas Day be there ).... I finally get a call around 10am from Chris and he has left, but is still a ways away from home. Based on where he is and how he is moving he should be home sometime around 1pm. at 1:20 he pulls in. We empty his truck, and go to dinner.

The day after Christmas, Chris gets a call at work. His Cousin has passed aways suddenly and the family is all torn up. This upsets him and for the next 2 days or so he deals with her passing. I do my best to console him but not knowing her or anything about her it is really hard to share so I just try to be supportive. On Saturday he finds out the Funeral is on Monday ( NEW YEARS EVE ) I encourage him to go but he is worried he will lose a day of pay and may not get the Holiday pay for the next day. I remind him that this is all at the managers discretion and since both his managers love him and it is an extenuating circumstance, it should not be an issue. I tell him I want to go with him ( not to the funeral just to Tampa ) for shopping.

Now I know this is my total Dr. Phil moment but my WHOLE reason for wanting to go with him was not because I wanted to shop, ( for god sakes I bought nothing but a pack of gum and lunch ) it was because I feared if he went alone I would wake up on New Years Day alone too. Maybe this is crazy thinking but based on the events of the last week this is all my mind could wrap around. So I dropped him off at his parents house early Monday morning and went off to piddle my day away. around 4pm I was sitting in the walmart parking lot waiting for him to come home since most things closed at 6pm on New Years Eve. So just after 5 he calls me to tell me he is headed back to his parents house and I can meet him there.


As I turn the corner to his parents house I see 2 cars in the culd a sac that are digging out gift and seem to be waiting on someone. Know that Chris's family does not approve of me and not wanting to start anything or put ANYONE in a uncomfortable situation I drive thought the culd a sac like I am looking for a home a drive off. As I am turning off his street I see his moms white f-150 turn down the street. ( now in most situations I would have turned around and went back but seeing there were people there that might have been waiting for Chris and or his family, not knowing weather Chris was in his moms truck or with his father I just continued to drive ) a few minutes later Chris calls my cell to ask why I did not turn around I told him and he was like just come back. less then 2 minutes later I am turning right to head back down the street, as I approach the house I see Chris's mom pulling out of the drive way and she passes me as I pull up to the house. ( she gives me a half hearted wave as we pass to at least acknowledge me ) Chris is standing on the corner of his driveway with all his things in hand like a kid waiting for his buds parents to pick him up for soccer practice. ( I did not tell Chris this but that really did hurt my feelings, I mean I know it has been a rough day and you want to get back to your family but could you at least have waited 2 minutes to say hello and wish me a happy new year?)


So yesterday I told Chris I wanted to go somewhere this weekend, I joked about Atlanta but really wanted to go to Expo in Orlando and look at bathroom stuff and maybe even shoot over to IKEA. His response was " NO I want to spend this weekend at home, we have been on the road the last 2 weeks we don't need to waste the gas, and we can go another weekend." I have put up with him avoiding what I already knew was the answer to weather or not he would be home before Christmas, eating Christmas dinner with my folks alone, and waking up on Christmas Day alone. I totally feel if I had not at least cock blocked for New Years I would have spent that alone too. Now you are SO TIRED OF TRAVELING that we can't do the things I want to do.


I can totally understand his parents wanting him there for the holidays. Most people want to see there family on the holidays, but what about me? Am I not his family too. I feel like when it comes to family I ride in the back of the bus. When his family calls he comes running full speed and I am left behind. In the almost 5 years we have been together there has not been a single occasion when I have been included in ANYTHING. He tells me that is what his family does when they do not like the person, they are basically blackballed. So I guess I should not expect much more then an occasional wave ever.


I know he is tired of traveling and being on the road, but I just feel like if his parents called and said " we are at Bass Pro Shop, come meet us here " he would be in that truck as fast as he could and down there in a heartbeat. As for me, when I ask to go places there are always issues or excuses. So another week will go by with a partially completed bathroom cause I am the one asking for it not his parents.